note to self: be thankful for the good things and block out the bad

when you're a real estate agent, you don't have a schedule...you work for yourself. so being its thanksgiving eve, i am all alone in the office. would you come to work if you didn't have to? i didn't think so.

i have found that i have been very selfish for the last few weeks. i haven't had sex for a week now and i feel like i should just be able to get it when i want it and my fiance' shouldn't have a say in it. after thinking about it, there is so much to be thankful for, that i feel stupid for giving him the silent treatment over sex. i mean, he does pay for our home, he does buy me anything i want, he does love me... but why am i still not happy? i guess i have some issues to work out.

the lady i work with now "who's supposed to help me but we just sit and talk the whole hour and a half" is going to a counselor. i just found out yesterday that she's going b/c her husband of 20 years has been looking at porn on the computer and she almost divorced him over it. so once she told me that, i confided in her that i also have a problem with that. i found my fiance had porn on his computer about 2 years ago and when i confronted him about it, he denied it (although i had proof). i have struggled with that for 2 years and it has caused lots of trust issues between us. so we got to talking about it and she said that she would pay for a session for me to go to her counselor. i don't know how i feel about talking to a "little old lady" about sex & porn, but i guess it won't be that bad. so i might go but i'm not sure.

anyway, when we were talking about this, she said that men DO NOT have to look at porn and that IT'S NOT OK for them to do it. so, i am trying to settle it in my head if i should talk to him about this before we get married, or if i can live with it. (it's sad but i DON'T trust him- and he knows it). but he always says that he's "never given me a reason not to trust him" and i just want to bring up the porn issue but i know that if i DO bring it up, i better be ready to pack my shit up and leave because that is a very touchy subject with him. he still thinks that he fooled my by denying the porn.

anyway, so i looked on his computer yesterday and was happy to see that he hasn't been looking at it. so that relieved me a little bit. i still know that he has access to it though, and that makes me want to throw the computer off the roof and watch it burst into a billion pieces. but i am trying to be adult about this. it does make me feel better that i am not the only one who is against porn. i absolutely hate it, and men, if you are reading this- if you have a girlfriend or wife and you love her- stop looking at porn. it is a direct insult to your significant other and think- would you rather go to bed with your wife/girlfriend, or with a picture?

dave song du jour: stay or leave-- this song is kind of fitting for today's entry