note to self: dreams are just dreams, they don't mean anything... or do they?

i had a dream last night that i asked my fiance' if he wanted to be with me forever and he looked me in the eye and said 'NO'. this dream was very real. last night before we went to bed we had a mini arguement about his stupid car magazines that have 1/2 naked women on them. a year ago i tore out some of those pages b/c i felt like it. he brought that up and really pissed me off. so i got mad at him and i went to sleep. then i had that realistic dream. when i woke up, i was mean to him, like he actually told me those words in 'real life.' i don't know what my problem is. i have had dreams of him cheating on me, of his ex girlfriend, several times... and i always get mad at him about it. then he gets mad at me that i am mad at him about a dream. he can't control my dreams. is this an omen? should i just get out of this relationship and start over?

he called me about a half hour ago here at work, like he always does. he was excited that he was probably going to have saturday off for the first time in months. i have to go to clean my grandparents house on saturday, so i am not even going to be home. he still seemed excited. as though he was glad i wasn't going to be home (probably so he can look at internet porn- which i am totally against). so i called him out and said that he sounded like he was glad i wasn't going to be there. then he said that i don't trust him to be home by himself (i really don't trust him to be home by himself- only b/c of the porn). i denied it. but he could still tell i was mad. i ended the conversation and hung up.

i then thought to myself... why should i be mad that he gets to have a day off? he has been working 60-80 hours a week. he deserves a day off. so then i called him back to apologize and tell him that i think the reason that i am in a bad mood is because i had a bad dream. and he got mad saying that that is so stupid that i get mad over dreams and that it is very childish. so then he wanted to know what the dream was about and he was practically screaming at me. i told him i wouldn't tell him while he was screaming at me. so then it ended on a bad note again. ugh... sometimes i wish i just didn't have to talk to him. i really need to take some st. johns wart pills. i think i might be depressed or something. i think way too hard on everything. i wish i didn't do that. i want to just go home from work and watch hgtv or game show network. or fall asleep. anything. i keep thinking about this. he is one of those people who holds grudges too. he can't let anything go. what do you think. do you think i should be mad. or do you think he should be mad at me? i think i am just going to act like i don't give a shit about him or what he does. usually that makes him be nicer to me. it's just really hard for me to act like i don't care. because really, i care too much.

on a positive note, i went out of my way yesterday to get the new Dave Matthews cd, and it is great. 2 thumbs up.

dave song du jour: save me... if you haven't gotten the new album, get it! it is so worth it!